When it comes to strong, negative emotions, there are typically two ways we handle them, especially anger. Many repress the emotion or uncontrollably lash out. Yet, for those who do neither of these, how many practice radical acceptance and holding space for their rage? Indeed, it does as much harm to ignore feelings of anger then to allow them to completely let loose. In this article we will explore healthy ways to manage anger. We will also see how all feelings are important information for our psyches. Correspondingly, how we benefit by inviting those feelings in as special guests.
Anger, the Big “Bad” Wolf
Many of us are taught in childhood that some emotions are good, while others are bad. Due to the unpredictable and tumultuous nature of anger, it is usually considered something to be avoided. Although it may be true that special attention should be given for people who have been traumatized by unhealthy experiences with anger, humans are designed to experience a wide range of emotions. Anger is like a catapult for the body longing to express feelings beneath the surface. It is an action-oriented sensation that can be an impetus to mobilizing change, defending ourselves, or sharing big feelings. When we use healthy ways to manage our anger, it does not overtake us and turn us into snarling animals.
Recognizing Anger
Although we don’t have to know the following information to experience it, there are five phases when we experience anger. There is a trigger, an escalation, a crisis, recovery, and then a depression. When we understand what is going on when we are incensed, it helps us manage anger in a healthier way.
In the trigger phase, or the catalyst of anger, some type of event catches our attention. Whether it is words someone says, or information we receive, it will be a shock to our system. At that time, we feel threatened physically or emotionally. This trigger causes the body to meet the threat. To manage anger in a healthy way in the trigger phase, we can practice recognizing the physiological responses that happen in our body when something makes us angry. Common signs include:
- A stomach ache
- Increased and rapid heartbeat
- Clenching and tensing of muscles
- A feeling of heat
- Nausea or urge to use the toilet
- Sweating
- Tension in our head or eyes
- Shaking
- Disorientation
In order to manage anger in a healthy way in our minds, recognizing some of the following signs will help us identify when we are angry. We will often experience:
- Anxiety and inability to relax
- Possibly guilt or shame
- Irritability
- Resentment for circumstances, people, expectations
- Overwhelm or shutting down
- A lack of control
- Seeing the color red in our brain
- Humiliation or embarrassment
- Panic
In the escalation phase the body prepares for a crisis. This is the part of anger where we will feel our breathing is rapid, our heart is pounding, and our blood pressure is increased. Because the body is poised for fight or flight, muscles will be tense for action. This is an important phase to recognize to interrupt an unhealthy response to anger. When we manage rage or anger in a healthy way, we stop here and assess. What should be done about my powerful emotions at this time?
During the crisis phase, survival instinct kicks in. This is the phase we lack the least amount of executive functioning. Our quality of judgment is greatly reduced and decisions made without skills for managing anger in a healthy way will likely become regrets along with consequences, later.
The recovery phase takes place after some type of action has resulted during the crisis phase. The body will then begin to recoup from the stress and energy expense it has just gone through. Adrenaline will ease, and the quality of our judgment returns. When we understand when we are angry, and manage our anger in healthy ways, overriding our survival instincts and getting to this phase is easier.
The Post-crisis Depression Phase happens once we have successfully returned to being “clear-headed”. Our bodily systems slow down and we feel a return to calm. With this clarity, we generally gain an awareness that our body and mind just experienced something taxing, and it allows us to take stock. Depending on the level of control we felt when we were angry, there can be subsequent feelings of guilt, regret, or emotional depression. When we feel confident in our skills of managing anger in a healthy way, these associated negative emotions will be greatly reduced or alleviated altogether. In fact, there will be many points we feel proud of how well we handled a challenging situation.
Radical Acceptance of All Feelings
Few things in life are guaranteed for all persons, but experiencing anger is one. There are significant reasons the body knows it is important to alert us to anger that surpasses physical safety. We are not on this earth just to survive, but to evolve as individuals. As we age and mature, opinions or sensations we “stuffed down” as a kid or younger adult begin to percolate to the surface. At some point in our lives, humans experience a deep yearning to find out who we really are. Moreover, we feel resentment if it feels other people have been telling us who that someone should be. Anger, like confusion, depression, anxiety, or irritability are often clues that our inner child, spirit, or psyche (whatever reference resonates with you) wants to communicate with you. Developing a deep compassion and complete acceptance of your anger is vital to managing it in a health way. There is a quote from a philosopher named Jalaluddin Rumi that illustrates this:
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
So What Are the Options?
In addition to developing a sensitivity to knowing how our body and mind experience anger, there are many concrete ways to be in the driver’s seat when the five phases described above kick in. We will explore five healthy ways to manage anger, including:
🧘 mindfulness
⏱️ the 90-second pause
🧮 counting to 100
🚶🏾♀️ taking a walk
👩🏼⚕️ professional help
🧘Mindfulness
There are many types of daily rituals we can participate in to practice mindfulness. Yoga, exercise, deep breathing, trauma-releasing exercises, muscle relaxation exercises, or walks in nature all qualify. However, far and away the most effective and life-altering mindfulness practice is meditation. Assuredly for many, meditating each day, even for short periods, is the equivalent of adult pixie dust. It simply works like magic! If you are having difficulty controlling your anger, or find it hard to express your feelings of anger, meditation is an incredibly healthy tool for managing anger. Imagine your capacity to feel an emotion entering your body, or your skill set recognizing that emotion. Meditation stretches our reaction time for incoming sensations. It also teaches us to observe feelings as separate from us. This allows more time to name the emotion, be aware of its impending arrival, sit with it, and respond how we choose.
⏱️The 90-Second Pause
“According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, ninety seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.” Utilizing this knowledge as a healthy way to manage anger goes something like this: Once we know how to recognize signs we are angry, we can pause for 90 seconds. Quite literally, get out our phone and use the stopwatch function. During the pause, and depending on an argument with a partner, a co-worker, or a child, we can ask ourselves some questions: What feels threatening to me in this situation right now? Can I think of three positive aspects of this person while I cool down? Do I need to remove myself from this situation or stay here? And so on. Consequently, when we get curious, instead of reactive, our bodily symptoms have a chance to dissipate.
🧮 Counting To 100
Although it may sound simple, stopping when we’re angry to perform a simple activity is a tremendous tool for combatting the hijack of the anger phases. Similar to the 90-Second Pause, some find it easier to do something rudimentary or rote, because they do not feel capable when their nervous system is flared to answer questions or be positive about the person they are arguing with. Therefore, performing an action of counting to 100, humming a tune, singing a comforting song, or reciting the ABC’s is an excellent tool managing anger in a healthy way. It allows time for the body and mind to drop down from the crisis phase, and access better brain functioning.
🚶🏾♀️ Take a Walk
Exercise! The benefits are endless. If we are angry, we know our decision-making is compromised. Taking a brisk walk “increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain, triggering the release of endorphins and serotonin, the “feel good” hormones. Moreover, exercise increases brain concentrations of norepinephrine in brain regions involved in the body’s stress response.” Although “storming off” in anger, and then exacting silent treatment is not what we are going for here, communicating we need a few minutes “to walk it off” is a valid and healthy way to manage a flare of anger. Again, an important aspect to this method is communicating to others you are leaving for a short time to take care of yourself and your emotions. Always indicate when you plan to return.
👩🏼⚕️ Professional Help
Depending on our history, or brain chemistry, sometimes we are not able to get our anger under control with simple techniques. Experienced professionals can help us evaluate what is causing outbursts, self-loathing, an inability to regulate our negative emotions, irritability, rage, and despair. As adults, one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences of our lives will be attending counseling. When choosing a therapist, remember you have a voice, and what you feel is valid! The first professional you visit, may not be for you. Be patient with yourself and know that you deserve to feel safe and understood in your therapeutic environment. Your therapist will do all they can to assist you in finding healthier ways to manage your anger. While waiting for your intake, or in between appointments, technology provides us access to professional and comprehensive self-improvement materials and resources.
You Deserve Love Despite Your Anger
If you are experiencing shame around your issues with anger, invite that emotion in as a houseguest. If you are trying your best and wish to improve, ask that emotion who told you the story of your shame. Let the negative awareness know you appreciate its attempts to remind you what you need to change. Assure it you are seeking healthy ways to manage your anger, that all feelings are welcome because you believe in holding space for them, and that you will be spending time writing new stories; ones of understanding, compassion, and acceptance.
