How self-love can fundamentally change our health and well-being.
When we think of love, most of us think of the regard we experience for other people. Family, children, and partners take up the greatest real estate of our hearts. We may rarely think of the feelings we experience for ourselves. In fact, many cultures and religions teach selflessness and sacrificing of feelings as the ultimate demonstrations of love. Or through dysfunctional family systems and generational trauma, we learn to stuff feelings down, be our own worst critic, and stay in a relentless pursuit of self-improvement. But what if there was a way to live a more peaceful internal existence and to experience the sublime emotions of deep gratitude for ourselves? What if self-love means opting out of the self-help marathon and taking a softer approach to healing?
Self-Love Defined
When people think about self-love, some may cringe and think it’s a lot of hype. They may feel it’s a catchphrase spouted by self-help gurus or poets pushing daily affirmations. But as we mature, most of us remember a day when we noticed the way we speak to ourselves is punitive indeed. When asked, how many adults do you know treat themselves as kindly as they do others? Somewhere along the way, it became commonplace to be unbearably hard on ourselves. Although having self-discipline and taking accountability are noble and worthy pursuits, finding a path to love is vital to our overall health. Radical self-love can be defined as the nurturing of our inner worlds, and practicing a self-dialogue that is kind, compassionate, and accepting, just as we are today.
The Myth of Deserving
The word radical is used to define this quest for self-love because many think it is a radical idea that we are innately deserving! Right now. Not when we are without fault, without fame, our ideal body weight, the good job, flawless clothes, or all wounds stitched. There are generations that believe their entire existence is to make the people around them feel comfortable. Many of us work at not being too much, at making ourselves useful, and never causing too many waves. The truly angelic among us think it is their duty to right every wrong and change the family trajectory of all the relatives before them. LET US PAUSE. Place our hand upon our chest and feel the rise and fall of our breath. We will know we have accomplished radical self-love when we feel our inherent worthiness, just for being alive.
What it Looks Like
Practicing radical self-love isn’t just positive self-talk, a shopping spree, a bubble bath, or relaxing. Developing an all-abiding, non-compromising radical self-love may look like the following:
Self-love looks like: Making it a priority to seek counseling or other resources to heal your trauma, no matter how busy you are, or how many family obligations you may have.
Self-love looks like: Giving yourself permission to only be around people who nurture and uplift you. And being uncompromising about that.
Self-love looks like: Developing the courage to remove people from your life who abuse you or bring you down. This includes family and very old friends.
Self-love looks like: Working yourself into a place you are comfortable being alone, versus staying in toxic relationships. Finding ease in your own company.
Self-love looks like: Saying no. Without explanation, and not feeling you need to justify your decisions as an adult. Not basing your decisions on how you feel people will react.
Self-love looks like: Putting yourself first most of the time. When you have children it means balancing parenthood with selfhood, and not allowing guilt to dictate otherwise.
Self-love looks like: Feeling free to explore your own interests, hobbies, and passions, even when in partnership. And only agreeing to be in a relationship that fosters and encourages that.
Self-love looks like: Taking the time to learn how you feel, what your body is saying to you, and trusting it. Also knowing you are free to change your mind any time you want.
Self-love looks like: Not being afraid to stand up for yourself, being your own advocate, and knowing your feelings and opinions matter. Taking up space.
Self-love looks like: Forgiving yourself over and over again. It is recognizing your strengths, acknowledging your weakness and trying not to compare yourself with others.
Self-love looks like: Developing any healthy habit with a peaceful, measured attitude. Some of us have weaponized the journey of healing against ourselves. Slow and steady and there is no finish line.
Selfishness versus Healthfulness
For some, the attributes described above may seem selfish. Moreover, some cultures do not encourage the pursuit of self-ideals. Yet the difference between selfishness and self love is: Selfishness is the act of taking from others, using, and even abusing others. It is getting what you want without consideration for another’s well-being. While self-love is taking care of your needs and wants without taking advantage of others in the process. It is vital that we explore our desires and motivations. Pushing them down and only living for others will cause resentment and depression over time.
Start Today
In a fast-paced world, where practicing mindfulness is not part of our workplace or culture, having a meditation practice is a powerful way to develop self-love. Meditation is a tool that is accessible to everyone and immediately. Not only are there many choices on how to meditate, there is music, and all manner of resources readily available online. This powerful habit will bring self-awareness and gratitude into your life. Moreover, there are many studies that show that twenty minutes of meditation each day boosts the immune system, reduces stress and anxiety, lowers blood pressure, bolsters self-awareness, and improves sleep quality. All of these benefits foster a sense of identity. Taking the time to have a date with yourself each day will definitely catapult your radical self-love journey.
Returning to You
One example that is used often to describe why we need to care for ourselves first, is when you fly on an airplane. Part of the instructions given to passengers for their very lives- is that if the air masks are needed- put your own on first! Although you may be able to go many years treating yourself poorly and pouring everything you have into others. Eventually, the day will arrive of reckoning with you. When we are not loving ourselves properly, we will feel weary, lethargic, not hopeful, confused, unmotivated, or resentful. When we have self-love, we spend the time that is needed to nurture ourselves. We learn to write over old stories in our minds and reframe our self-talk. We lean into the delicious freedom of not allowing anyone’s needs to supersede our own! The journey of radical self-love will fill us with creativity, gratitude, inspiration, and hope.
Let Things Go, See What Stays
Of all human emotion, liberation and joy, are some of the most ethereal. Choosing to love yourself on a regular basis may feel radical when you first begin. It will look that way to others too. There is a good chance it will not be easy. But as you stick with it, navigate the discomfort, and believe in yourself, the people meant to be in your life will accept it. Over time, you will feel a peace that will serve you in times you need it most. Healing is important. Seeking self-help practices is a beautiful pursuit. But when we have radical self-love, we know we are worthy today. We are on a journey that has no end. We are present and we are peaceful. And that is all we need.
