As described in the first article of this series, having a secure attachment style assists us to have a more balanced view of the world, and the people we love. Being secure helps us give space to others, believe in ourselves, and feel comfortable with interdependence. But if we have a disorganized attachment style, such as anxious or avoidant, relationships can be more difficult to navigate. While anxious attachers yearn for a partner to cling to, avoidant attachers struggle the most with long-term commitment and feeling love. In fact, people with an avoidant attachment style struggle to feel emotions in general. They are busy avoiding! This article will review the attributes of avoidant attachers. It will also explore what can be done to navigate this attachment style’s challenges. Finally, how to work toward a place of acceptance and compassion for avoidant attachment style tendencies.
The Life of the Avoidantly Attached
Avoidant attachers/individuals with avoidant attachment style want love like everyone else. The irony is, participating in romantic relationships often causes profound fear, suspicion, and a feeling of losing control.
A person with an avoidant attachment style may experience the following themes in their relationships:
💗Avoidant attachers may jump into a relationship very quickly and appear securely attached.
💗However, once true feelings for their partner develop, their behavior can change drastically.
💗While the beginning was exciting, avoidantly attached persons experience ongoing interest with great caution.
💗They have strong beliefs about how love interests or partners “should be” (independent, not needy, unemotional).
💗Their overall mood, or perception of an established relationship, is suspicion and discomfort.
💗They feel no obligation to keep their partner happy, and in fact, can balk at the suggestion.
💗Avoidant attachers feel most secure alone, and highly insecure with requests from their partner to be more attuned, affectionate, or verbal about the relationship.
💗Many avoidant attachers would rather not define a relationship and will not offer commitment.
💗Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often need a lot of physical and emotional space.
💗While anxious attachers experience anxiety not speaking to their partner, avoidant attachers experience anxiety if there is too much closeness.
💗Many times, an avoidant will keep a mental running list of negative attributes of their partner.
💗They will often use distancing and deactivating strategies to create space in the relationship.
💗Avoidant attachers often feel out of control or angry when their partner pushes for more closeness.
💗People with an avoidant attachment style often priortize work, hobbies, or other interests over their romantic relationships.
💗They balk at being asked to reassure their partners and will often flatly refuse to do so.
💗They value independence, logic, and intellectualism over affection, warmth, and intimacy.
💗Love avoidants desire a life separate from their partners.
💗When conflict arises, avoidant attachers may feel engulfed or in great danger.
💗They will often refuse to discuss any feelings, good or bad.
I Love You, Go Away
Although the attributes above would make you wonder why an avoidant would choose someone who is anxious, avoidant and anxious attachers are drawn together like moths to a flame. The qualities that anxiously attached partners offer are very seductive to an avoidant. Deep down, somewhere inside them, it is what they desire. However, even a securely attached person will struggle to navigate a relationship with an avoidant attacher.
As we have reviewed, our attachment styles are developed in infanthood. Our earliest interactions with our caretakers contributed to how we see the world, as well as our view of self in relation to others. Avoidant attachers learned that it was unsafe to rely on anyone, and that emotional needs were not okay. Their nervous system taught them to become hyper-independent and shut down feelings. Yet, each of us was also born with an innate need to connect to other humans. Therefore, individuals with an avoidant attachment style have a battle raging in their psyche each day they are with a loving partner.
What Is Yours, What Is Mine?
When you find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant attacher, it is essential to consider what stage your partner is in their self-development. In contrast to an anxious attacher, who wants to heal, grow, and make things better for the partnership- because this serves their childhood wound of enmeshment- avoidant attachers rarely seek knowledge about change. The first step for change is always self-awareness. But self-awareness alone will not enable an avoidant to be successful in love.
To break free from these patterns, avoidant attachers will have to do the following things:
💗First, an avoidant attacher who truly desires a long-term partnership must first accept that other people’s views of “partnership” are different and okay. They must trust they will not disappear inside of someone’s love.
💗They must also learn, usually through therapy, that it is okay to have needs. And that it is okay for their partner to have needs. This will take some practice and reconnecting with their body.
💗Once they are comfortable having needs, the next step is expressing them. Many avoidants project frustrations onto their partner, because they struggle articulating boundaries. They fear they will not have the freedom to say no, and therefore may be rejected or abandoned.
💗Finally, an avoidant attacher will have to learn to separate what their nervous system is telling them, versus what is reality within their partnership. This will take a great level of patience and attunement to self. Until they decide to listen to their inner self, they will not be able to attune to a partner.
The Reality of Loving an Avoidant
Once you have discovered what your attachment style is, you may notice the bad wrap avoidant attachers get. Anxiously attached individuals are inherently more vocal about what they want from a partner. (love! affection! attention!) While avoidantly attached individuals take pride in not seeking what they want from “others”. Avoidant attachers have developed personalities and identities around being independent and not seeking assistance outside themselves. Due to this dichotomy, you will see mostly anxious attachers seeking therapy, watching self-help videos, or reading articles like this one. The reality is, unless you have fallen in love with an avoidant willing to do the work to achieve interdependence, the anxious-avoidant dance will never result in a satisfying, healthy, love relationship. It’s not that one is right, and one is wrong. It is merely the different lens through which each attacher views the world and self.
Acceptance is Still Magic
As mentioned throughout this article series, coming to a place of acceptance is vital in developing self-love and healing. We did not choose our attachment styles, and at times we may feel doomed. Thankfully, there are many resources available to help all of us learn to love ourselves and foster more meaningful relationships. Having an avoidant attachment style is not a death sentence in the romance department. But getting real about the work it will take is an essential first step towards becoming more securely attached. You do have the capacity to grow! You can feel safe in love! There are people who would feel honored to assist you. There is no shame in assistance, as it is through helping one another we connect. And connection is what we all truly desire.
Find out what your attachment style is here.
