Why being vulnerable is the path to better relationships
We hear a lot about ways to make relationships better. Advice can be found in magazines, books, and podcasts. Lots of checklists out there that are action-oriented. Yet one principle on the path to better relationships is all about surrender, an inner allowing that can result in greater connection. Being vulnerable. Performing this act of courage on a consistent basis can do more for our hearts and relationships than almost any other skill we might develop.
What does it mean to be vulnerable?
When you are vulnerable, it means allowing yourself to be open to another person, knowing there is a possibility you could be hurt. It is a willingness to be authentic and speak your truth despite how you may have been hurt or shamed in the past. It takes courage and practice to be vulnerable. It is a journey and an intentional way of living. Another crucial element to being vulnerable comes not just from the sharing – but listening. Once you have shared your feelings about a topic you are sensitive or have high energy about – being truly vulnerable means having the strength to allow the other person to respond. Holding space for the honesty of their reaction.
Reasons to choose vulnerability
The greatest reason to cultivate being vulnerable is the closeness it can bring to others, as well as ourselves. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, greater connection means purposefully delving into subjects or emotions most people would like to avoid. Showing our true selves and sitting in the discomfort of sharing raw emotion is key to bringing the kind of connection we all crave. When we allow ourselves to be seen for who we really are and share our feelings, no matter how painful, it reinforces our feelings of worthiness and overall mental health.
Why is it so hard to be vulnerable?
There is no way to sugar coat it – vulnerability means risk. It means not knowing the outcome of a situation we may have deep and intense feelings about. Over the years all humans have experiences that cause them to want to hide who they are or how they feel to try and control the possibility of being hurt or bitterly disappointed. Living this way too long can cause us to develop habits of numbing out through food, alcohol, drugs, or isolation to escape feelings that are trying to bubble up. Breaking out of this cycle requires courage and a deep look at ourselves. Do we want authenticity and genuine closeness with people in our lives? Or do we want to continue to hide in the safety of our aloneness?
A check-in with ourselves
One of the most famous studies on vulnerability found that people who were most likely to allow themselves to be vulnerable were people who felt sufficient self-worthiness. People who believe they are worthy of love and connection will be more willing to have the tough conversations or show their true emotions because they believe that being vulnerable is a necessary practice for attaining deeper connection. Or, they know that being vulnerable will reveal they are not on the same page as the other person and either figure out a way to fix it, or end the association. So before learning about ways to be vulnerable the first question you may need to address is – how do you feel about yourself? What would it take for you to feel worthy of love and connection?
10 ways to be more vulnerable in your life:
Have compassion
Maybe you consider yourself good at showing others compassion. But how well do you show kindness and compassion to yourself? Evaluate your self-talk. Is it similar to how you would speak to a friend or your child? How often do you catastrophize or fret about being good enough? Maybe you are anxious in relationships. Developing compassion for yourself is key to developing vulnerability.
Practice mindfulness
Knowing the importance of taking a pause each day to reflect or just be still is an important aspect of being able to be vulnerable. When we are mindful we are able to notice sensations in our body caused by emotion. Does your heart start to beat when your partner starts talking about a certain subject? Do you have feelings you are afraid to express to someone you love? Being present and able to access those emotions is crucial for being vulnerable.
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable
Sharing our innermost thoughts is often not easy. It’s even more difficult to share with people if they have let us down, we have painful events from the past, or something we are ashamed of. Showing vulnerability means knowing nothing we share negates our worthiness. We are beautiful and whole even in our imperfections or unpleasant feelings.
Manage our reactions
Often what disrupts the opportunity for having vulnerability is our reactions to loved ones sharing with us how they feel. When someone we care about says they are angry, upset or having doubts – we may internalize their words and begin to panic. The interaction then begins to be about ourselves, instead of properly listening and holding attention to the one sharing with us. Practicing managing our own triggers, our breath patterns, and listening skills is essential for true vulnerable interactions to take place.
Cultivate curiosity
Part of getting comfortable with the uncomfortable and managing our reactions is cultivating the attribute of curiosity. When we have a value of wanting to understand another person versus “win” a conversation, it allows the opportunity for both people to be vulnerable. If we often feel the need to prove a point or feel we need to defend ourselves against others opinions or emotions – these will become barriers to authentic connection. Practice being objective, no matter how difficult, and truly curious about your loved ones feelings. The effects might surprise you.
Schedule check-ins
Consistent emotional inquiries between friends or your partner can be an excellent way to build vulnerability into relationships. When you open a conversation with the sole purpose of finding out how someone is doing, then hold silence – it can be very powerful. If this is not something you have offered before, it may take your loved one a little while to trust it and engage. But eventually, they will feel your genuine interest and begin to share. Regular check-ins with people you love is a powerful way to be vulnerable.
Track your feelings
Not everyone likes to write in a journal. Although, there are many different types journals to choose from these days. But even if it’s a scrap of paper from your recycle bin. Grab the sheet and a pen. Write down what you are feeling. It’s important not to censor yourself. Feelings are never final. Feelings are not always facts. They are information our heart is trying to communicate. You could make a journal entry the same day, the same time, every week and you might feel different things. Information that keeps showing up might mean something. But even just the act of writing sometimes brings to the surface feelings that we are stuffing down. And it can make it easier to be vulnerable with someone when we’ve teased out beforehand what is going on inside of us.
Practice gratitude
Something about feeling grateful makes it easier to participate in genuine connection with others. When you live a life that is intentional about finding things you are thankful for each day, it has the happy effect of making us less likely to dwell on people’s faults. It incorporates humility and forgiveness for others, making them feel safe in our presence. Vulnerability thrives in this type of environment.
Be vocal
Many people suffer in silence in their lives. Maybe they have had trauma, and these experiences have caused them to not be vocal about their feelings. Vulnerabily means speaking up. Knowing that you are not “too much”. You have a right to share, in a respectful way, feelings that are inside you. A loved one that is healthy will listen and validate what you are sharing.
Know your worth
Few things in life are absolute – but our worth as individuals is one of them. Invest time in a radical self-love program. Give yourself the gift of getting to know yourself. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Give yourself the grace you may not have given your entire life. See a therapist. Move your body. Forgive your faults. Stop striving for perfection. It doesn’t exist. Doing these things will help you feel courage to be vulnerable with others because you will feel you are worthy of fun, as well as difficult, conversations.
Be intentional about being vulnerable
In such a fast paced world of always trying to keep up – vulnerability invites us to slow down. It is not frenetic or loud. It is an act of allowing. Softly it beckons for permission for feelings to flow through us, calls for strength to share them, while also allowing loved ones emotions to flow through them, and hold space for them.
Being vulnerable is not something you will feel proficient at right away, or ever. As mentioned before, it is a way of living. It means being your imperfect self, but doing your best, and letting the chips fall where they may. It is an acceptance of understanding – you do not have control over an outcome, but you are brave enough to move forward anyway. When first introduced into our life, it might feel scary. But being intentional about being vulnerable with others can only improve our relationships.
